Friday, February 26, 2010

What's the Best Tuna...

So I'm making up for the fact that I blew this blog off for two weeks by double blogging today. Fact is, I've got lots on the jumble of tissue that is my mind and this just didn't seem to fit with my rant about teenage idiocy...hence...two blogs in one day.

You know how once and awhile you'll be sitting around, it's like...almost painfully quiet, but it's a peaceful quiet. Then all of a sudden, something jumps into your head. A part of a quote that niggles at your head until you remember the whole thing, a single line from a song that bugs you until you can remember the rest of the song...things like that.

For me it was a jingle.

Picture the scene...I'm sitting at my computer, kids at school, landlady from hell isn't home, her evil incarnate mutt is being quiet for once along with the nasty little lap yipper next door. The only sound is the tap-tap of my keyboard. And then it happened...

"Whats the best tuna..."

And that was it. Over and over these words repeated in my head, keeping me locked in their iron grip, refusing to let me go until I solved the mystery of their long lost partner in wordage.

For nearly ten minutes it drove me mad. I couldn't escape them. Like a evil mantra over and over in my head...

"What's the best tuna...what's the best tuna...what's the best tuna....what's the best tuna..."

Finally I closed the story I was working on and opened Firefox, then, just as I was typing the words into google the final words of the puzzle slipped into place.

"...Chicken of the sea!"

I breathed a deep sigh of relief. My tortured mind, finally, at long last...had found peace.

But not really.

That one phrase acted like a trigger, bringing forth every single jingle I had ever heard from the time I became aware of sound until present day and they ran like a never ending commercial in my mind.

"I am stuck on band-aid cause band-aid stuck on me..."

"My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..."


Finally, after more than an hour of this, and having actually posted a jingle in my facebook status, I came to the conclusion that not only was I out of my mind...

... my mother let me watch WAY too much T.V. when I was a kid.

Oops I did it again!

Yeah so, I think this was a record for me. I don't think I have ever totally forgot about a blog after only four posts before. Usually I go at least a week...

But in all fairness, I have had a few things on my mind. Like the fact that my brainiac child decided to not just skip school, but to blow off a red light and walk out in front of a Suburban.

Okay, I get it. We all did stupid crap when we were kids. I once skipped two days of school and spent those two days hanging out in the girls bathroom with a friend. To this day I have no idea what the hell we were thinking...hanging around school I mean.

But for all my adolescent idiocy, I never did anything as boneheaded as blowing off a red light...particularly not at a busy intersection!

Sure, we thought we were invincible, but we were never stupid about it.

I just don't get it.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Bet We Can Find 1,000,000 People Who Will Be Annoyed By This Blog!

So I'm scanning down my Facebook last night, looking for the usual freebies. Free toys for my Petville puppy, free food for my Cafe World cafe, Farmville bonus' know...the general YoCrap. And every other post seemed to say...

"So and so has joined "I bet we can find 1,000,000 people who..."

This hasn't been going on for days, or weeks...this has been going on for MONTHS! Everybody is searching for 1,000,000 people who do something or other.

I promise you...whether you support Minnesotans, Texan's, Saint's Fans, Vikings fans, gay marriage, anti gay marriage, animal rights, hunters rights, Twilight haters, extreme Twilight haters, abortion, anti matter what it is, some putz on Facebook is looking for not just you, but 999,999 of your friends!

So what I would like to know is this.

What makes 1,000,000 the magic number? Why not 999,999, or better yet, why not 1,000,001? Wouldn't you think that at least one group would want to be one better than all the other 1,000,000 groups out there looking for 1,000,000 people?

Look, don't get me wrong. I am all for finding a cause and supporting it. I don't want adorable dolphins in my tuna sandwiches or some guy in ice skates wearing a dead animal to look pretty any more than the next guy. But 1,000,000 people banding together with the purpose of reaching a magical number doesn't stop charlie the tuna from filching Skipper from the sea and it's not going to get the fur of the ice.

You want to support a cause, get involved. Research the organization and find out how you can volunteer your time, then go and send out fliers, attend protests, donate blood, write letters to your government do whatever it takes to effect change. Because if you think joining these 1,000,000 man join-up's is doing a single thing to help your cause, you're deluding yourself. If you really, really want to do something to make the world a better place, Stop wasting your time on Facebook and enter into the world you are so desperate to change...

If you do that you'll be leaving space on MY FACEBOOK for the things that matter to me.

If you do that, we both win...

...and the world wins.

Join the Anti 1,000,000 Movement!

Note: This group is a statement and not meant to be confused with an actual group! LOL

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Gift of Friendship

Remember when we were kids and you would go to the park and meet a new kid?

" I like your skateboard!"

"I Like your Six Million Dollar Man Action figure!"

"Wanna be best friends?"

"Cool! By the way, what's you name...?"

Yeah. Back then we didn't realize how easy we had it. We didn't know the truth about friendships, that there are so many different kinds of friends it would make a six year olds head spin off their shoulders.

I've had lots of friends in my 44 years on Earth. Friends who were like sisters all through grade school but by ninth grade barely remembered my name unless they wanted something. Friends who signed my year book "Let's always stay in touch" and then forgot I existed about the same time their tassels hit the ground.

But that is the way of kids. That best friend you made at the park was forgotten the first day she wasn't there and someone else was there to take their place. High school friends were replaced by the young friends we met in college or at first jobs. Then, single friends were forgotten when married and then we made married friends. And lastly, those of us who didn't stay married, left married friends behind and made divorced friends.

Friendships, like life, are ever changing. When we were kids, we wanted loads and loads of friends. To be popular. As we grow older we stop looking for quantity, and start looking for quality. And, with my increasing health issues, offline friendships have faded away. The few that remain are fading even more due to the fact that I no longer drive.

So, I cherish these friends I have been able to make, the ones who live inside my computer. But that leads to unique difficulties.

Like in the real world, there are those friends who will stab you in the back the moment they get a chance. But there are more here. Those who you share your deepest hopes and desires with, only to have them turn around and use them to hurt you. And why? Because you moved away from them, because you HAD to move away from them. Their behavior was like poison to you. Because you couldn't even recognize yourself anymore, because they encouraged you to act and behave in ways that made you feel sick to your stomach and hate yourself.

I've recently found myself being attacked by friend like this. I use the term friend very loosely here because I doubt now that she was ever my friend. I met her at a time when I was very vulnerable, reeling from the loss of two very dear friends due to a misunderstanding. I believe now that this person is a manipulator, someone who likes to surround herself with the vulnerable because she is miserable herself. A drunk, angry, bitter woman who needs to keep others down to make herself feel like something. She's spent the last week making me miserable...and I have been allowing her to do so by sucking into her head games.

Well, not anymore. I've realized something very important.

She told me that I was worthless, and I only became worthless by believing her. She told me I was a terrible writer, and so I became a terrible writer by believing her. This angry, bitter woman can only hurt me if I allow it.

I'd very much like to say I reached this epiphany all on my own, but sad to say I can't. Because there is another kind of friend that I have yet to mention.

There is the kind of friend who cares about their friends. The kind who will say silly things just to make you laugh, who will send you dorky Valentines Day t-shirts with big red hearts on them, even though she KNOWS you detest Valentine's Day...just because she knows it will make you laugh...and she knows how much you need a laugh.

And, there is the kind of friend who will stand with you while you cry out your pain. Who will tell you that he believes in you when you are unable to believe in yourself. And you will know he is sincere because he has stood by you so many times, time when so many, many others have turned you the shoulder. And then...he will make a gesture that is so sweet, and so generous that it makes you cry tears that are so happy they wash away the tears of pain.

I am so lucky because I don't just have one friend like this...I have two. Two very dear online friends who have taken me from a week of hell and put me into a day from Heaven.

This isn't to say that I don't have other online friends who aren't amazingly wonderful, I do, really I do. And I cherish every single one of them.

But these two are special. They have been with me through hell and back, and I know they will be there the next time I fall into hell, and they will be the ones to pull me out. I know I can tell them anything, and I will never have it turned into a sword and shoved into my back. They have given me an amazing gift....a truly amazing wondrous gift.

The gift of their friendship....the gift of themselves.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Why I Loathe Valentines Day

Geesh, it's that time again. Why dont they just call it what it REALLY is?

Greeting Card, Jewelers, Candy Maker's, Florists, Let's Torture Those Who Are Single Day.

Oh right..Hallmark wouldn't be able to fit it on the front of one of their cheesy $10.00 cards.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for public displays of affection. Holding hands in public, putting an arm around that special someone, even public kissing as long as it doesn't involve groping, visual tongue use and flying spit that splatters anyone in a five yard radius.

But let's face it folks. Walk into any store right now and you can see what Valentines Day is really about. Show someone you love them by spending a wad of cash that, to be honest, in this economy NOBODY can really afford.

I made my weekly foray into the mercantile world yesterday ... and all it did was increase my loathing.

Wal-Mart has increased their supply of diamonds, and, their size has become ludicrous. Earring's, rings...particularly engagement rings, bracelets, watches and body jewelry...personally loved the diamond encrusted nose ring.

Heart shaped balloons, greeting cards and bouquets of flowers have been stacked in every corner of the place...even in the fruit of the looms. Not to mention the sleazy crap that has worked its way in with the warm fleece and flannel granny nightgowns that I live for.

Oh and my favorite discovery of the day...while walking from the bus stop to the shrinks office I passed our local porn shop and found this sign in the window...

"Free CD's with every purchase over $50, make great Valentine's gifts!"

Yeah...because nothing says "I love you" like porn.

Of course, maybe I shouldn't be at all surprised by this, unlike most, I know from whence Valentines Day comes.

Lupercalia...the ancient roman celebration of fertility and the Goddess Venus. And how did they celebrate? By choosing their sex partner for the next year. It was the Christian church who, in an attempt to lead the Romans from sin.

For more information of the history of Valentines Day you can read it here:

Valentines Day Info from Wikipedia

I normally wouldn't refer anyone to Wikipedia as it is a crappy source of information and untrustworthy as members can change information at will. But as it confirms information I have already read from more reliable sources, I will use it. To be honest...Two days before Valentines Day I am already so sick of hearing about it I don't feel up to looking for a proper source. I have all I can do to buy something for my daughter.

Perhaps the thing I hate the most about this holiday is the fact that it makes single people feel like crap. Unlike other holidays that center around family such as Christmas and New Years, the focus isn't on loving your parents, or your child. It's your significant other. I woke up this morning to 13 e-mails reminding me to tell my spouse how much I love him/her.


And these were all different e-mails. Not even a single chain that was being passed from friends who all knew each other. I had another 10 from online stores I frequent, 8 of which were jewelry and flower shops reminding me it wasn't too late to special over night delivery a special gift for the one I had chosen to spend my life with.

They might just have well sent out e-mails saying

44+single=HELLO LOSER!!!

Oh, and then I saw this one online dating service with a messages along these lines "Alone this Valentines day? Don't be next year!"

So for the next two days, I won't be going out in public cause I don't want to see some idiot proposing to his girlfriend on a billboard (yep, saw it last year), I won't be turning on the T.V. cause I don't want to watch some idiot yelling out "I Love This Woman" while holding a rock the size of Kansas in his hand (which we all know is the proper way of saying I Love You) and I will be training my eyes to stay away from the ad's while I am on the computer lest decides to ensure me I will be happily married this time next year.

Then, Sunday night while the rest of the world is saying I love you while watching Twilight , I will be watching "Fatal Attraction" cause let's face it folks... crazy obsessive freaks are a lot more realistic than sparkling vampire males who are extremely good looking, have no faults and worship the ground you walk on.

A man with no faults? Sorry honey, I've been married and divorced...

...I'm more likely to believe the extremely good looking sparkling vampire bit.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jeeze, Here I am again.

So here I am...crap...another blog. This is only like my fiftieth and I so have no idea why I am doing this. Except maybe I just need some constructive way to get my brain farts out. I mean, like the fifty times one is actually going to read this thing. And eventually, I will get bored and desert it like I did all the others. But, wth. It's not like I have SO many other things to do. So I guess I can use this thing as a vent. I can complain about the things that happen in my addiction playground...SmallWorlds which BTW if anyone should end up reading this an AWESOME if sometimes frustrating place. It's like a chatroom, but so much more. So much better. But for right now you'll have to Google it cause I don't want to talk about it. Right now I got this on my mind....and so for my first entry, and just to prove that I am in fact insane...I give you "The Top Ten Things To Do Whilst Waiting At The Bus Stop"

Note that I came up with this list while waiting for the bus to take me to the shrink. LOL

The Top Ten Things To Do To Whilst Waiting At The Bus Stop

10. Intensely study the pattern of the veins on the top of your hand and say "Wow, intense." and then ask the person standing next to you if they want to see.

9. Bring a phone book and read it out loud for the listening pleasure of the others waiting with you.

8. Look at the clouds and try to find the faces of former speakers of the house in them.

7. Put your hand over your heart and recite the pledge of Allegiance out loud over and over again...once again for the listening pleasure of those waiting with you.

6. Play "Guess which medications I am on" with others who are waiting.

5. Imagine you are about to be thrust into a real life version of the movie "Speed" and try to guess which fellow passenger to be would fill each roll. (You of course would be the cool Sandra Bullock!)

4. Hum "I've got a lovely bunch of Coconuts" over and over again and try to figure out which person you are annoying the most.

3. Call Pizza Hut and order a Pizza and ask if they can track down the bus if the bus comes before they do.

2. Call the bus company every three minutes and ask why the bus isn't there yet.

1. Talk to yourself and turn it into an argument and see if you can coax your future fellow riders to take sides.